So, I have two ideas about myself as a Christian that I'd like to share with you:
1) I am a lunatic.
OR
2) I am a Christian dilettante.
Sometimes I wonder if non-Christians aren't right. Am I really a crazy person who walks around believing in a myth? What the heck is wrong with me? Why not just give up on the idea of God and live my life however I want to with no rules and no guidelines? It makes me think of what C.S. Lewis said in MERE CHRISTIANITY about how you can't say that you are a follower of Jesus' teachings but that you don't believe He was divine. If Jesus walked around saying he was God and really wasn't, then he was nuts. And who wants to be a follower of a crazy person? There are days when I think about Christianity and I say to myself that I must be out of mind to believe in something that is so illogical and self-contradictory. Some Christians throughuot my life have told me that it is evil to have doubts about your faith. I disagree. I think asking questions and facing your doubts makes your faith stronger. We need to be challenged in our beliefs. It is a chance to exercise our faith muscles and remember why we decided to believe this crazy stuff in the first place.
The other thought about myself as Christian is similar to what Don discussed in Chapter 9. It can be really easy to be a Christian on the outside. You can wear a cross and carry your bible around and use all the right lingo. You can be "an infomercial for God." But after awhile, that feels fake.
When I was about 14 years old, I decided to start attending church again. I got really into it and even attended a Dawson McAllister conference with other kids from my church. I decided to only read Christian books and listen to Christian music. I tried really hard to fit in with my fellow Christian teenagers. Being painfully shy, this was tough. But I made a real effort to say all the right stuff like "peace be with you." One day, we were talking about school and one girl said that she was already taking Calculus. Since I have never been a math person, I was really impressed and said "Oh my god!" Suddenly, everyone got quiet and this one guy looked really pissed. I had said the Lord's name in vain. They walked away from me and I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I would never be Christian enough for these people. I would make mistakes and I wouldn't always get the lingo right or wear the right clothes or listen to the right music. Even Christians have their cliques and ridiculous rules for fitting in. I didn't attend church again until I went to college.
You can walk the walk and talk the talk but unless you are actively working on your relationship with God and trying to live your life in a spiritual way, it means nothing. And that can be tough. I want it to be easy. I don't want to have to work on my faith. I want to go church and simply say "I'm a Christian" and "Peace be with you" and have it be enough. But it's not.
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2 comments:
It is amazing how powerful some of those formative experiences are. Your teenage peer group memory gave me the chills - I definitely don't miss those years!
I think faith must be a tiny, quiet voice that is continually lost in all the clatter and static of our lives. It is funny (but not really) how easy it is to get ourselves lost in other people's expectations when trying to our own relationships with God, or any other kind of faith we're seeking.
I know that finding your own relationship with God has been a difficult journey, but it's clear to me that the time and effort you've put into that relationship have given you a great deal of comfort and peace. I can't think of anything else that's worth so much.
It's funny that you describe faith that way because of this:
"And he [the Lord] said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the Lord. And, behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind and earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake:
And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire A STILL SMALL VOICE."
-- I Kings 19: 11-12 (KJV)
After all the bluster and the noise, God can come to us as a still small voice. I like that.
-A
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