The Five Love Languages

Dear Malady and Purl,
As I mentioned in my comment to Malady's last post, I've been reading a book called The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. I just finished it, and I'd like to tell you a little about it.

Chapman contends that all of us feel, give, and receive love in different ways, and that there are five fundamental ways in which love can be communicated: Acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, and quality time. You can read more about these five languages here.

I learned two important lessons from this book. The first is that to truly communicate with someone (say, my spouse), I need to discover what that person's primary love language is. Chapman says that we have a tendency to communicate in our own love language, which may or may not resonate with the other person. This has been true in my own case - I tend to communicate using words of affirmation, which is my own primary love language. However, I've been practicing Chapman's methods on my spouse and even my boss, and I have to say I've already noticed a difference.

The second lesson I learned from this book is that love is a choice, not a feeling. The example Chapman uses in his book is that the "in love" feelings we have at the beginning of an intimate relationship is not real love. Those "in love" feelings are temporary and stem mainly from infatuation with the other person. When we finally come down from that high, what's left? That's when we must make a choice to either figure out how to love a person with whom you're not "in love" anymore, or get out and look for another "in love" experience.

I believe that God wants us to grow in this life. Falling in love is easy - it's happened to all of us and we all know how little effort it takes to maintain a relationship when it is in that stage. Sure, it's wonderful and fun, but we don't really learn anything from that experience. I believe that God wants us to choose to love. Choosing to love requires effort, but it is where some of our greatest potential to grow as human beings lies.

I highly recommend this book. I prefer the audio CD version because Dr. Chapman narrates it himself. He makes the book an entertaining listen. Chapman also writes from a Christian perspective. You can find his other books here.