Belief and Grace

Chapter ten made me reconsider the idea of grace. As Miller described his own struggles in becoming what it takes to be a "good Christian", what he would die for, and his admiration of his friends Penny and Andrew for their own passion about particular causes, I thought about my own beliefs.

I realized after reading this chapter that the word "belief" has never held much weight with me. What do I believe in? Well, I believe that I am typing this blog post, I believe that the sun is shining today, I believe that I have a long list of "to dos" that I must take care of this week.

But the word "compel" is another matter. To think about things that are compelling to me opens up a whole new universe for me. What do I find compelling? That means I'm powerfully attracted to them. When I think of things that are good, noble, and even extraordinary, I still may not find them compelling. To me, that is.

For example, when I think of becoming a tutor or a Big Brother, I think, 'Wow, those are great ways to spend one's time and make a difference.' But I will never do them. I have no interest in doing those things. So I ask myself why that is. Am I lazy? Am I selfish? Perhaps, but it may also because God wants me to do something else.

When I turned 41 last month, I had a realization. All my struggles and trials have led me somewhere. It's probable that, for the remainder of my life, I'll more or less be the kind of person I am today. It's not all the fireworks I thought it would be and I've certainly made some decisions and blunders that will color the rest of my days, but my life is not bad. I'm essentially a good person who is dedicated to learning about and appreciating life's mysteries. I will do some good things before I'm done.

I'm OK with all of that. I believe that I have accepted God's grace.

So, I guess I do have one real belief.